Things I Suck at Doing

2011-07-19T18:39:00.000-04:00

this list is by no means complete. or accurate. so who cares, right? ok so maybe it IS accurate but that's not the point here. i have a sneaking suspicion that this list will continue to grow... now if people would just stop im'ing me (because i'm too lazy to shut all my messengers off) i'd be on a roll.

so where was i?

oh yes, things i suck at doing.

maintaining this blog: yep. i suck at blogging on my own site. i post so randomly and sporadically that it does not justify having one. but i own the domain, the server space is free, so why not? i always tell myself, "tomorrow i will update my blog... and it will be FANTASTIC!" and yet i never do. (but, isn't that what i'm doing now? oh the agony of logic!) you see, it's very difficult to write and maintain a blog when all your ideas come at you in a fit of insomnia but you're too damned tired to muster up the energy to sit down and put them to good work. but you bet your sweet ass i can surf imgur all day long. you betcha! or i'm on facebook. or someone ELSE'S blog, which is way more updated and successful than mine. and funnier. and wittier. with more pictures. hell, with BETTER pictures. and back to imgur. and back to facebook. then, "shit, my eyes are drooping and look at the time! must go to sleep NOW!" then kicks in the brain with "hey! you know what would be a good idea for your blog?..." rinse, repeat. you get the idea... then there is the fact that i so suck at making routine backups of my database that i only remember when i go to my page and ... shit, it's down. i contact my host, (which by the way is a good friend of mine named sargonas... you can find his site here and thank me later), which usually entails me sending him frantic messages on yahoo not because i care about my blog but, oh shit, i can't check my email! eventually i think he just gets tired of hearing from me and fixes it. but by that time it's too late. the database is GONE. and that means, so is my content. which throws me in a fit of despair when i realize that it was my own damned fault for not regularly backing up my database. (to me "regularly" means at least once a year. if that. that's good enough, right?) then, i simply just end up throwing up a theme because hey! that one looks cool, and hope that no one notices there is no content. then i feel guilty that there is no content so i add a couple to throw people off but really they just come out like poorly written status updates on facebook. so yeah, um, i suck at this whole blogging thing.
using capitalized letters in a sentence: i don't know why i can use capital letters in my titles but NO WHERE ELSE. i guess i'm too lazy to hold the shift key down. oh, unless i want to stress to someone EXACTLY how important an emphasis needed to be put on a particular word. kind of like how i did right there. so don't expect me to capitalize my letters anywhere except those two places. if your grammar nazi brain can't handle it, move on. this will only end up feeling like torture to you. which you probably deserve if you're a nazi anyhow. just be happy that i use the apostrophe. hopefully my usage of it is correct, but i somehow doubt that. oh and spell checker. i use that too.

relationships (romantically): yeah, this is a real sucky ass department for me. i can't manage to maintain a long lasting, happy relationship for any amount of significant time. sure, i've had long relationships, but the over-all quality was barely tolerable. i partially blame my mental illnesses. being bipolar with A.D.D. means that i am quick to not be in a relationship for very long. first of all, it's very rare that a person can entertain me for any significant period of time. and when you get right down to it, that's your role isn't it? to entertain me? within months the luster has worn off, sex no longer seems appealing and i've just traded you in for the lasted MMORG. in which case you cease to exist altogether as i am now completely submersed in said MMORPG. doesn't matter if YOU are also playing the same game because eventually i will get tired of grouping with you as my A.D.D. gets in the way with me being able to function in a group so i prefer to play solo. at this point you will come to realize that i've avoided you entirely by creating a new toon, on a different server, that you DON'T know about so i can just... play. alone. and if you AREN'T into games like i am, well then just divide our relationship by a LOT and subtract the remaining numbers and you will get the equivalent of how long my interest in you lasts. you can add some extra bonus points for good looks, witty humor, and good in bed. but stop there. you don't get any extra points for anything else because frankly, the rest just bores the hell out of me. even my therapist wondered how i managed to stay in a relationship for nearly seven years. so do i now that i think about it.

keeping friends: see above, the same rules apply.

staying focused: thank you A.D.D. brain, i love you! because of you i will have an attention smaller than the average goldfish, which is only 3 seconds long. i know this because i just googled it. thank you google! (see HERE) oh and before i continue let me share a screen cap of the advertisement that was on that page when i visited, because it might be different than what YOU see:

: even the internet knows my psych eval!

ok, enough of that... back to the list.

responding to people: this includes emails, i'm's, faceobook comments and/or posts, phone calls, phone messages, letters, etc. unless you happen to be the man i'm seeing at the moment, and that is in direct contrast to

how horny am i?
how sober am i?
am i playing an MMORPG at the moment?
is my phone on?
was i sleeping?
was i sick?
do i care?
and lastly, once again, how horny am i?

understanding the simplest of things: yes i can grasp some of the bizarrest, mostcomplicated, and completely random things. but it's the SIMPLEST of shit that gets my head spinning. i have no real life examples to share with you at the moment, so you will have to just trust me on this one.

putting out the god damned cigarette in my ashtray: i mention this here because the whole time i've been drafting this blog entry i've been frantically going between typing and trying to put out that stupid cigarette butt in my ashtray. i can't tell WHICH butt it is, it could be more than one for all i can tell, but every time i look i see smoke. so i pick up the ashtray, grab a random butt hoping it isn't the one on fire because that would just fucking hurt, and start smashing the shit out of all the other butts. successfully, or so i think. i put the ashtray back down, resume typing, then once again start to smell burning, look and fuck! there's smoke AGAIN. FUCK YOU ASHTRAY I HOPE YOU CATCH ON FIRE!

raising children: i must suck at this because my children decided that living with their father was far better than living with me. then they both defriended me on facebook. that's pretty damned pathetic if you ask me. the end.

socializing: please note here that what i REALLY mean is listening to YOU blather on and on about shit i don't care about. you bore me. PLUS i have A.D.D. so NOTHING you say will be nearly exciting enough to hold my attention for very long unless you are a hot man with a computer who likes to play MMORPG's are single and might be interested in having sex with me. at that point i MIGHT forgive you long enough to lure you into bed. but then we both know that if you end up talking unless you are very witty (see earlier) i just want you to shut up and go home. if i call you back, you must have been good in bed. then we'll repeat this cycle till one of us (usually me) gets bored and calls the whole thing off. then, god damnit, i'm back to making alt toons just to avoid you, on a different server... so take THAT! ha! wait... what am i being so proud of? (to date there is only ONE guy that has beaten my boredom shield +2... you know who you are... i think.) there IS one exception to this. alcohol. booze makes EVERYTHING better, at least it does to me at the time. by then, however, you are sitting there wishing i would please shut the fuck up and someone GOD get her out of my house! because when i drink, i think i'm the bees fucking KNEES! and i want to talk to YOU. ALL NIGHT LONG. LOUDLY. embarrassingly. to my own dismay. this will usually result in me dragging you to the computer to either a) show you things online no one was ever meant to see let alone set loose on the god damned internet or b) show you half nudes of myself. the latter will result in your wishing i had done the former. unless you're a guy. a straight guy. because we all know it's all about the boobs, right? RIGHT?! but not to worry. i'll be too hungover and depressed to ever come out and face the real world again. so you're safe. for awhile...

remembering things: before i continue, allow me to scroll up to see if i already mentioned this... ok, i didn't. (and yes, i really scrolled up and had to look.) it think that was a fair enough example, don't you?

staying focused: as i mentioned earlier i have A.D.D. so it's not actually a surprise but it still sucks. currently i have several tabs open on my browser, skype, and yahoo messenger. and i keep clicking on them and then EVENTUALLY come back here to add more. i could lie and say it's just very difficult to find my own flaws, but then i'd be lying to you.

sex: i know this, and so do my former partners. i'm sorry, but if you last more than 20 minutes i start doubting my abilities as a woman and wonder why you haven't finished yet. then i get bored. then YOU will start to doubt your abilities as a man because now my boredom has become blatantly obvious. yes, i'm counting ceiling tiles. thank you for asking. please proceed.

programming your mother fucking number into my cell: you text or call me, i don't know who it is, i ask, you tell, OH. ok. then just as quickly i forget about it. you send me something funny. a picture perhaps. i don't recognize your number. i've cleared my old history so i don't see your "hey this is my new number" message and start to panic. who is this? how did they get my number? do i know this person? by then i'm too paranoid to ask the simple question "who is this" and leave it to sit on my phone for days, sometimes weeks. because we all know all my REAL friends are all on facebook and/or skype... right? RIGHT?! i spend countless hours (read: a few minutes because we all know google is self-aware and knows everything) looking up your area code. then i'm left wondering, "who the hell do i know that lives in THAT state?" because we all know that everyone i'm close to lives here. except those of you that are special and live somewhere else. and then i remember, you moved away. far away. this must be you. so finally, i ask, and yes, it IS you. sudden relief because for a moment there i thought i was being stalked by some creep who found my number (or whom i gave out one night on the internet when i was drunk because, fuck it, EVERYTHING seems like a good idea when you're drunk. come to think of it, i doubt there ever was such a time when i was drunk that i had an idea and thought to myself, "no, that's a really BAD idea." nope, not a single incident that i can recall.) then... one day... i erase my call history and I FORGOT TO PROGRAM IN YOUR FUCKING NUMBER! repeat.

ok... i've had enough of this for the time being. despite my better judgement i'm going to click "submit" then get drunk and come back to it hoping it's better than it really is.

Clickety, Click, Click!

2011-07-18T17:43:00.000-04:00

i've been unsuccessful in "following" my favorite blog here on blogspot. i kept hitting the "add" button to Hyperbole and a Half over and over with no obvious reason as to why i was unable to add this site to my list. so i clicked the "manual" (i think) part and it FINALLY gave me a REASON behind it's madness. Said site had reached it's maximum amount of people allowed to follow it. Apparently this magical number is 50,000... way to go blogspot. you fail. it should be unlimited. how else will she (Allie) know we adore her?

Expecting Something Exciting?

2011-07-18T17:33:00.000-04:00

I bet you were. Well you will be sorely disappointed then. Nothing exciting going here at the moment. Maybe if i find myself laying in another insomnia filled fit i will stumble to my computer in the wee hours of the morning and post something completely random just to get it out of my head. Still don't think it will be all that exciting, however. But at least it will be out of my head. Yay insomnia.

The Madd Goddess

Things I Suck at Doing

Clickety, Click, Click!

Expecting Something Exciting?